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Martin Kirby Column; Turning Again, Turning A Card and The Last Christmas

By Moanagram  |  Posted: December 22, 2012

Turn Again

Turn Again

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IT'S JUST NOT CRICKET

In the much-loved pantomime, Dick Whittington is a young man who left Gloucestershire to make a new life in London. But there's another chap who did almost the opposite – Dick Graham. He came to Gloucester to win a seat in Parliament….

Cast –

Richard Graham as Dick

Paul James as Lord Elpus

Andrew Gravells as Dame Petula, the housekeeper

Pam Tracey as Sourpuss, the cat

At the King's School cricket ground, Dick is dressed in his whites, dreaming of playing for England.

ELPUS: 'There you are Dick. You've been gone so long I thought you were trying to get out of the Gloucester Quays car park. What shall we do about the threat from UKIP?'

DICK: 'Who-kip?'

ELPUS: 'UKIP – a force to be reckoned with.'

DICK: 'Bah – a bunch of plonkers with no clear policies and no chance of ever being elected.'

ELPUS: 'No, that's the Lib Dems.' Anyway, we've still got people complaining about the railway triangle. What shall I tell them?'

DICK: 'We're giving them a new supermarket and plenty of eating places; we're creating jobs and might even throw in another pound shop as well. Why would they want a better railway station with all that on offer? Tell them to take a taxi – they can put it on expenses.'

ELPUS: 'They're not all MPs you know'.

Dame Petula arrives along with Sourpuss, the cat.

PETULA: 'Oh, Mr Dick, the post is late today. My whiplash compensation still hasn't arrived.'

SOURPUSS: 'It's the bloke you whipped who should be getting compensation.'

DICK: 'Don't worry about the post, Petula. I've got that sorted – hah – sorted, get it? When the Gloucester depot is closed we'll have a new system. Everything posted in Gloucester will be taken to Bristol and then brought back again to be delivered. It will be much more cost-effective. Trust me, I know about finance. I was a merchant banker.'

SOURPUSS: 'A lot of people think you still are.'

DICK: 'Don't start on that "posh boys" stuff again. I know what it's like in the real world. Only yesterday I had to manage without a tea strainer.'

PETULA: 'Why?'

DICK: 'It was his day off! Now go away, I want to get some batting practice in before my next photo opportunity.'

CARD COINCIDENCE

Those of you who like 'spooky' happenings may be interested in the following titbit. Last week, Kirby Towers received Christmas cards from female relatives who are twins. One lives in Longlevens and the other in Lydney, yet both of their cards arrived in the same delivery and were the only cards to arrive that day. What are the odds against that happening?

WE'RE ALL DOOMED, CAP'N MAINWARING

Of course you shouldn't be reading this at all, because the world ended last Friday. Still, if it didn't, don't be too hard on the Mayans, whose Long Calendar predicted our demise.

We all make mistakes, it's not as if it's the end of the world, is it?

Presuming we're still here, I wish you all a happy, peaceful Christmas.

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  • Beekeeper  |  December 22 2012, 6:56PM

    An amusing and perceptive column from Martin Kirby. Is this a first? Yes, I think it is. In fact I think I'm in shock ..er well done, Martin. And a Very Merry Christmas to you.

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