1. Abstinence from chocolate – how hard can it be after a Christmas spent gorging on cocoa products? A cheeky Twix at the petrol station is usually the kind of situation which kills that resolution, and once you’re off the wagon, a half price Ferrero Rocher is the road to ruin.
2. Give up drinking – well, on weeknights and just pints and shorts. A glass of wine with my meal’s OK isn’t it? This one usually ends with finishing the bottle because you “wouldn’t want to let it go off”.
3. Stop looking up Facebook – all very well, but I’m just dying to know whether the Most Popular Boy And Girl at School lead miserable lives now. But it turns out he’s a hedge fund manager married to a Norweigan actress, and she owns a Caribbean hotel chain. And before you know it, you’re playing Candy Crush.
4. Stop smoking – everyone’s using the electric cigarettes now, right? A boon to the nation’s health they may well be. But would Marilyn Monroe and Marlon Brando have puffed on one?
5. Take more exercise – have you seen the weather in January? OK, you can go to the gym or the pool but it’s warm in my bed and it’s horrid outside.
6. Don’t shout at the kids – we all say we don’t do it. And we’re all fat liars. Still, start as you mean to go on.
7. Buy a diary and keep it going all year – oh come on. Pen and paper are SO 2007. We have smartphones now which are like an appendage of our brains.
8. Make a plan for buying 2014 Christmas presents – next year, have the whole deal taped by November 30, allowing for a stress-free run-in to Christmas. Excuse me, who seriously does this?
9. Let drivers of big flash cars out of junctions – in reality, fine if it’s an Aston or a Ferrari. But that German 4x4 full of weekenders?
10. Take more days out with the family – well, when Gloucester Rugby are playing away anyway. They’d love a trip to one of our fine cities, like Bath, Northampton or Leicester…